John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
You Might Also Like
Every work call, he judges.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
everyone’s a critic
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!