5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.