When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
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[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead