Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
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You better watch out
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey