I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
😂😂
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.