when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”