Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My dad teaching me to drive
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Losing weight doesnât seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, âI know. Thatâs why Iâm not in there.â
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
MyđspacebarđisđbrokenđsođI’mđusingđtheđclappingđemojiđinsteadđI’mđnotđtryingđtođmakeđađpoint
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
hate when i type some normal shit like âiâm walking the dogâ and my phone is like âdid you mean: iâmđśââď¸the đś?â no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
at work when itâs slow and everyoneâs mad i like to say âat least we have our health and are surrounded by friendsâ and everyone gets more mad.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled âNO IT ISNTâ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I donât like bats. Or 3 year olds.
And then grandma said âmy, what big hands you haveâ
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Itâs too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
my friend: so the new person youâre dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, thereâs something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”