Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
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