The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Still a very good boi….