“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”