In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
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One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.