According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
the council will decide your fate
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
It’s the weekend y’all
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever