Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
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Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
buys donuts instead
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.