is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.