My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
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Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥