Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
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Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.