Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…