Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself