It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
This is what makes twitter great
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?