Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
titanic
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
the world’s most popular steaming services
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time