adam and eve had first world problems
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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
no cat here
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies