One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Brilliant!
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust