A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona