If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
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[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Damn what did I do next
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Bike is short for Bichael.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no