oh you wanna fight?!
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half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’m not stressed
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like