Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Who knew!
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
2022 be like
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Lmfaoooooo
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.