[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
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parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.