I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.