It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
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INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.