Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
bro what is going on at twitter
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.