My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My work here is don’t.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.