When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
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After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I created you as mosquito food.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.