When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
You Might Also Like
the best thing i’ve ever made
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.