I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
HERE’S MARKY
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?