When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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best review i’ve ever seen
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
can’t believe I got front row seats
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I triple waxed for this?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.