Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
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If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me too
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.