I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
getting corrected
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job