Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.