Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
You Might Also Like
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
#titanic
buys donuts instead
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
British websites use biscuits.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Introverted vegans go meetless