drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.