-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people