when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
We cut our bangs at dawn.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?