I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-