Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
This is me
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.