How many games did you play already?馃槄
#chessmeme
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Cartoons made it seem like I鈥檇 be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it鈥檚 only happened to me three times.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
It is what it is. Unless it鈥檚 cauliflower. Then it is what it isn鈥檛.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn鈥檛 know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he鈥檚 looking very round today.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we鈥檙e just on one of God鈥檚 refrigerator magnets.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I asked which vaccine she got馃拃馃拃馃拃
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.