Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Just a bush.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.