I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
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The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I am a gravy boat captain
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
he’s doing your taxes
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.