You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous