Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
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I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!