people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
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[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it